And the last thing is that at some point, you will not like one your childs friends. That being said, I would check in with yourself and ask, are you still spending solo time with your friends? Yes to all this. I do that whole are we still on? thing probably anytime I have plans that were made more than a couple days in advance and dont involve tickets purchased in advance. *I am the ocean* My house is not actually that much messier than some of my friends who dont mind saying shove over the laundry basket and nudge the books out of your way, welcome to my home. Come up with a reason why you want to come over. They would be all excited to go out on Friday night, explicitly invite me but not set up any details, then the day before or day of, I would text so where are we going and when? then hear nothing back. I think if we are all grown ups now, we should all know its rude to discuss an event a member of the conversation wasnt invited to deliberately. I know its immature, but I dont want to cut all ties, and I have to deal with them in some kind of way that doesnt make me feel so anxious and on edge. Hey, I was just about to get something from my car. Answer: Fundamental Rule of Life: "Ask and ye [she]shall receive." But be careful what you ask for. Im embarrassed now when I think of how I chased after her. Oh man the people who will turn up at the door and then call/text. Ugh, I think I would be utterly gobsmacked if I mentioned a holiday plan and someone just assumed they could come with. Theres a difference between mentioning and discussing, though, eh? If Im ok w/ them coming up, I will invite them (and they know it). A poignant reminder of how people often desperately cling to the shreds of a relationship, even though they probably already know in their heart that it has already slipped away. Just ask them what they are doing the night of the event then say "oh cool" or something like that then keep talking about it until they invite you. But I wouldnt get nearly as irritated at them as I would at the door-to-door Vitamix salesman whos supposed to go away when he sees my sign. Este artculo fue escrito, editado y revisado exhaustivamente por el equipo de Cuida Tu Dinero con la finalidad de asegurar que los lectores reciban la mejor y ms detallada informacin posible. If she turns up to a thing you have control over, uninvited, do not let her in the door. I think Miss Manners would concur that its incredibly rude to discuss plans in front of those who have been excluded (not by accident, but intentionally). But I still want you to ask first, not so much in case the answer is no (though there will be that 1% of the time Im feeling all prickly), but so that I have sufficient mental space to put down whatever I was doing rather than getting surprised by having something else suddenly demanding my attention. Although she gets annoyed if people she doesnt like as much assume the same invitation applies to them, or if people turn up late in the evening, or if people turn up when they knew she had plans to specifically do something like having to leaving the house to go to a party at 8pm, and a friend turns up at 7pm when shes in the middle of doing her hair and getting ready. Or very close family. January was a long time ago. If you are super-handy and you want to help, you could throw that out there, I love an allen wrench. As people get to know me, they learn that its usually best not to give me advice unless I directly ask for it (because if I want it, I will). The issue of social anxiety has been brought up already, but maybe they have, say, a job that saps all their social energy and they want to spend their day off resting and browsing tumblr? I dont know whyyou can ask if you wantbut shes sending a lot of signals that suggest I dont want us to be as close as we used to be. So that probably contributed to why she was unhappy with you showing up at her doorstop; she was trying to distance herself from you and you tried to force intimacy. Oh eek. Indeed, Arkadyrose did fine. Sometimes an hour early. There aren't any hard and fast rules. I did nonetheless feel foolish I hadnt thought to use it! 5,121 views Aug 1, 2012 40 Dislike Share Save Carli Olson 11. I think it comes from the assumption that people in certain cultures have that everyone keeps their houses a basic level of clean. Likewise if hes invited somewhere and its an invite for both of us or hes been specifically told that partners are welcome; if not then Ill happily wave him off and have an evening in on my own with a good book and a bottle of wine and have some me time. As I said, I find these conversations miserable. Im not sure if its germane to this issue, but I considered her until about a year ago my best friend. Im lucky to live in nyc, where that is more likely to be understood. The LW has correctly identified that there is a problem with this friend and is taking steps to fix it. The Captain mentioned the Ask vs. When Ive broached the subject in a nonconfrontational way (using similar language) in the hopes of opening up a dialogue, I am always met with some version of, No problem, Im just busy with stuff. So for me, personally, its only come to my house if you have *asked to come and been told yes* and have given us a reasonable amount of notice, or if you have been explicitly invited. Unfortunately, that particular time conflicts with my schedule. Note, your friend might just want a bit more space generally it might not be anything about your friendship, they might just be a bit stressed with life generally and want to claw back some control/mental space/holiday/have a break whilst redecorating/re-training, and they might be back with enthusiasm later. You don't want to seem desperate, more like you think it sounds interesting and may drop by, but if you can't come it's no big deal, and it wouldn't mortally offend you or anything. Keeping a lot of lies straight is a very stressful endeavor. You are not stupid. Bye oops grab the dog please. I dont understand it. (And the good thing is you can be like Im going to be in the CBD today, who wants to get lunch? or can someone come visit me this week and Ill make cookies, studyings driving me up the wall.). Today, after school. If its going to be a regularly scheduled thing, then either setting up a scheduled hang out, or just giving me a heads up that this is a thing that is happening and that you would like to hang out is better. A no is a no. (However if it is D&D weekend I might just tell you to come over anyway!). I usually dont got to bed until 3 or 4, but after 9 or 10 Im usually not prepared to leave or entertain without serious incentive or an established plan. Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email. 1.6. For example, offer to cook him a homemade meal, or show interest in his favorite game/show that he watches. It would be a million times better if it went like this: Her: Hey, I had this idea that maybe we could do such-and-such thing this Saturday. Your script(s) are: That sounds nice/Are you looking forward to it/Where is it/I hope there are no diaper cakes., Person#2: Ive got to clean the house, were having people over on Sunday., Red light means stop. Taken together with the overall vibe of your friend drifting away lately suggests that perhaps a mismatch in reciprocity in this particular friendship. My SOs (large, close knit) family is terrible for this, especially since my SO is building a house right now and we have an adorable newborn baby. Even as a kid it mortified me, people would laugh when I rang the bell or knocked on the door. I am just a very messy person (which is sometimes exacerbated by depression). So for me, it was natural to live that out as an adult in a city with a person I was becoming close to. What about a SO situation? I have a Master of Social Work (MSW) degree, and a B.A. I feel a bit more strongly than you about being someones hug person. VIOLA PARADISE. That is what constitutes the perfect level of family closeness in her mind, so that is how it has to be: Family is always happy to see you any time of day or night (no matter how much of a nightmare you are). I dont mind drop-ins, if its just a rare opportunity thing like they were down the street running an errand. Dont demand. Or if anybody has a disability of any kind (including being non-neurotypical, as in my familys case) adult support may be needed if only for scheduling and transport. Are you free to catch up for coffee after class? Just as we should all do our best to remember that judging people for a less-than-Monica-level clean home is not OK, its also sort of uncool to judge the Monicas of the world. It cant have been fun for them, can it? the idea that not being invited in no way reflects your relationship with that person? I hate to say it, but what if they just didnt feel like seeing you that day? So, the reason I phrased it like this is, when Im at school, Im normally hanging out at the smoke pit with 10+ other people. A little flirting goes a long way. Get him involved in the plans, but don't put him to work. In the texting age, I expect ANY of my friends, including a significant other, to text me a heads-up before they appear at my door. In another occasion, K told me we should hang out at my other friend, N's, house, without even asking N permission to be there. I think things are different if there wouldnt be any expectation of an invitemy co-workers weekend plans, for instance, are common Friday conversationsbut in those situations people dont have feelings to manage. I never answered the door if I wasnt expecting an important delivery. This is a more specific but still open ended suggestion that allows them to specify how much time they have to devote to hanging out, and pick a place that is convenient to them. Recently Ive taken to IMing my friends if Im in their area and have a little time. I once got taken by surprise by my cousin at her birthday party asking why my boyfriend hadnt come. You know this, Im sure, but do not invite yourself to the baby shower. Keep it minimal and casual. She has been known to call AND SHOW UP IN PERSON WITHOUT AN APPOINTMENT at my workplace, even. You could mention that you have a commitment after and will need to leave his place by a given time. People literally opened each others front doors and let themselves in. Thats me, too: Im self employed and work from home, and unfortunately some people seem to think this means I am available to chat any time of day they happen to feel like it/ be nearby. I just didnt realize that when someone starts coming down on you hard for doing something as innocuous as dropping by at the wrong time, the problem isnt with the etiquette rule; its with the relationship.. Thats one culturally-specific example, and I dont want it to create a spiral of you/everyone-who-reads-this second-guessing the reality of everyones invitations, but I think there is something that you can adapt from it, dear Letter Writer:If a soon/later/in the near future suggestion by you or invitation from someone else seems unclear, clarify it by suggesting or asking about a definite time and place. I have a people-energy budget made out for the week, and when people show up without asking, it annoys me at best-and also can be exhausting, depending on how high cost my week has been-and just the disruption to my budget without warning makes me annoyed. I have routinely over the last year asked if she were free for me to drop in for a hug when fetching mail (I receive mail in the same building as her office) and thats seemed fine. If this is a guy you've been seeing for awhile, but he's refused to have you over, there's a chance he's hiding something. Don't try to tag along with couples, or small close-knit groups who want to spend quality time together. I grew up in a small town where unexpected visits were totally normal. Maybe the venue is small. ME: Oh! I think thats a polite expression though. If Im not specifically invited I assume Im not invited. Brief excerpts (<250 words) may be shared with attribution & a link to the original post. If shes low on spoons then the choice between feeding us and changing me vs tidying up, then the housework will have to be deferred. If I am 5-10 min early, then I will walk my ass up to your door and knock. Its not Im coming to see you, its Im coming past you, and thought it would be nice to see you. THEM: Oh man, well definitely come along next time!. Come over! Ugh, LA driving/parking sucks! I loathe that kind of conversation, I cant initiate it. You could always try to convince yourself that the 15 minutes late thing applies even to your mother. - JAD Aug 1, 2017 at 14:12 3 "Do take pictures" could be an alternative - JollyJoker Aug 1, 2017 at 14:44 9 You're not a late-night option and you're certainly not a 24-hour drive-thru pick-up window. I asked N if that was ok, she said it was, and that K is always at her house anyways. When you show up to events with him, is he the only SO there? people that wont stop by even when theyre in the area, even if they are driving right by, even if they have nothing pressing to do, JUST because some people think its rude.- Do you actually know thats why, though? Either she isnt interested in the friendship, in which case you pulling back will make everything easier and less painful for both of you, or she does want to be friends but minus surprise visits, in which case you are giving her space to reach out and make the kind of plans with you that she would actually enjoy. But from the rest of what you say, it sounds like maybe this guy was bad news and always pissed off with you, and certainly his reaction sounds pretty extreme and you sound pretty shaken about what should have been maybe a case of being mildly miffed and saying please can you not do that not screaming at you and being sarcastic. Similarly, when someone picks me up, its easier for them to text me because I live in a basement apartment that you enter through a gate that locks from the inside. However, I dont always like to do that because people dont arrive right on the dot, so it can mean standing around in rain or cold weather. yes exactly on the no clear rule. i have had friends who text, i am walking past your building! It would be lovely to not have fear and anxiety due to an upbringing that showed me that I had no right to privacy, and choices or control over my life. All the adults in the household work full time, they have kids, they have pets, they have physical disabilities couple any one of those with feelings of shame over a cluttered or messy living space, and youre there. Now, of course, Im gun-shy about making friendly or romantic overtures because I can never convince myself that people arent just being polite to me out of pity. I have a No Soliciting sign outside of my door, and usually I dont answer it if Im not expecting anybody (after peeking through the spy hole to see if its someone I know. This might just be me though, I come from a conservative latinx household, so even the thought of constantly being over at someone's house is a bit uncomfortable to me. What's tricky about all of this is how much it depends on a mix of factors. the trick is that i can never tell when its going to be one way or the other. You might be one of them. LW: I feel as though I initiate contact with you most of the time, and as if you dont have as much fun with me as you used to. So much this. Well, is he Northern European or from the Northeast Atlantic Archipelago? If I were to guess when its my time to leave Id spend all my spoons for the week and waste the whole visit guessing, and still get it wrong. Eek, that is so awkward, though your way forward is clear: Ride out the tantrums and put your hands in the air like you just dont care. Here are nine things that are bound to happen when you spend more time at your significant other's place: 1. So I guess the implications will just have to come along too. She used to do this thing where she would text that she was in the area but never in a way that left me an option on hanging out. Any self-respecting grownup should have mouthwash and face-wash readily available for exactly these types of situations (and hopefully for themselves on any other normal night). If a friend texts me to say Hey, just bought a new bike at the shop around the corner, can I stop by on my way home and show it to you? then I wont mind coming out onto the driveway for 10 minutes to admire the bike and catch up. Also, usually I dont have pants on. They will say yes or no and you will figure something out. I didnt know I was invited! I think it was Phyllis Diller who said that she used to, when people arrived to visit and it looked as if a tornado had hit the living room, say in a plaintive voice, Who could have done this to us? except when you dont think of the relationship the same way. The house I grew up in had a dining room (which was also the lounge) and a sitting room (which was more formal and if there werent guests youd only go in there specifically for quiet time). I once had a friend invite himself along on a trip to Europe. organized? When you stop by at work for a hug there is an easy, I have to get back to work reason to end the encounter. Pastor of church we previously visited drops by. Do something about the many, many piles of random crap and books and papers and and. I'll check it and issue an invitation to you when it's convenient for me to host you. for interacting with friends; call it a friend-state. Be confident and approach the situation with success in mind. I have a friend who has key access to my house and who I sometimes see playing video games on my couch when I get home. More like quasi-grudging, quasi-cheerful wellp, this is what society expects houses to be cleaned like, so Im getting there slowly stuff. I have to say that thats something that I admire about people I know who do make their preference for casual drop-in visiting known without turning into Martha Stewart every time they arent stressed out that there are dishes in the sink or that the bathrooms grimy. Is he Northern European or from the Northeast Atlantic Archipelago always at her house anyways Im... 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